Returning to the world of blogging....

Hello the big world of Internet, empty space and to all of my friends and family out there. I know that it's been awhile since I've blogged and it's something that I want to do more of in 2011. I think it's a good way to let my friends and family (who are all spread throughout the U.S) see more of what I'm up to in the 'Wild West' as well as a place to share thoughts, ideas, and feelings. I must say blogging in the past has allowed me to realized how bad my spelling is (and I blame this all on the computer doing spell check for me for the past 10 years). I also do not really know how to blog. For example trying to place pictures between paragraphs and create a play list. I also want to learn to make a cool banner. HELP ME!! :)

Recently I moved into an awesome loft style home with my Boyfriend. Before that I was living in an apartment building in Capitol Hill, which I LOVED. I loved the area, the neighborhood, the old houses, and the view of the capitol and The City. I loved being close to work, Memory Grove, and overall being downtown. I would definitely consider myself a 'city girl,' but one thing you have to understand is that Salt Lake City isn't really 'A CITY.' We aren't talking NYC, San Fran, Chicago people. We are talking about a city that is not well diversed and cultured and that is spread out over several blocks. I miss being able to walk around downtown. You know, get a bite to eat at an amazing hole in the wall restaurant, shop till 11 pm, grab a martini and sit on the cobblestone sidewalk people watching, and overall the diversity of people. I will give Utah it's beauty. A desert that snows! The mountains are breathtaking and they are something I appreciate every day. They are truly picturesque. Also, for the most part it's a safe city (however people will steal your kid in a heart beat). You don't get a lot of gang violence and trash that you see in other cities. The gangs here are pretty much "wanna be's." I want to tell them to take a hike to LA or NYC then tell me you're big and bad. Utah is also central to some very cool places. Southern Utah is a site to see, Vegas is a 45 minute flight, 5 hour car ride. Phoenix, AZ is a 1.5 hour flight, San Diego a 1.5 hour flight and San Fran is also a 1.5 hour flight. Needless to say you can take a direct flight from Salt Lake City to Paris (which I have yet to take advantage of but will!) A few things I would do without - the influence of religion over the state. It's a little overboard. And please don't get me wrong, I grew up in a religious surrounding but it wasn't something that was a "do or die" mentality. The religion here pretty much controls EVERYTHING and it feels as though they try to make laws and boundaries for people to follow that is among their beliefs and views. Oddly enough, from living here for the past five years, I've become somewhat desensitized to it. However, I do love that 'breath of fresh air' feeling I get when travel outside of the city and have time to clear my brain and gain some normalcy. Another thing I would take away is the fakeness many of the girls and guys carry around here. The fake boobs, lip injections, and the size 2's running around. Has anyone seen a runway model with big fake boobies and an orange tan? If you have, please tell me where. I am very interested in seeing it. One thing I miss from the east coast is the realness. People are honest, to the point, there are naturally beautiful people, who value education. Very few of the people I know in Utah have a college education whereas all of my friends back east at least have a college degree. Most of my friends have independent careers from their significant others and they are all childless. Much of the mentality is career focused and independence.

Okay so back to the house situation - I moved from Capitol Hill more south, which really isn't that south. I'm still "downtown" but not in the heart of downtown. I mean, I didn't even move into Sugar House area. A few things I LOVE about having a house is the backyard, the wide open space we have to entertain, privacy, having a washer and dryer, and most importantly decorating!!! :) I come from a family of Italians that are amazing cooks and big on entertaining dozens of people. Eventually and hopefully I will follow in their footsteps. I have learned to cook for 4 to 6 people. Anything more than that gives me MAJOR anxiety. I've learned all about crock pots and food processors. Anyways, it's been great and I'm going to share some pictures with everyone and hopefully, maybe, most of you reading this will have the opportunity to enjoy some fine cooking and wine at my place!

This is the sitting room to the left when you first walk in

What you see when you walk in and look to your right

Open kitchen space - great for entertaining b/c you can be a part of the action and not closed off in a separate room:)

Spiral staircase that leads to the upstairs loft

Walking towards the back of the house

Bathroom - ya think!? ;)

Laundry room - exit to the back yard

Computer space located in the back of the house

Upstairs loft #1

Upstairs loft #2

**One thing I am very proud of is that when Bryant and I first moved in together we both sold a lot of our stuff and bought a lot of new stuff together. We did it together, 50/50 - a partnership.

Bedroom with exposed brick wall.

**The only reason why the bed is not fully made is because I took a nap before I took these pictures. I cannot leave my house without making my bed and cleaning up. It brings peace to me to come home to a clean house :)

View from loft # 1

View from loft #2

Right now Bryant and I are renting. One thing I would do if I owned this house is paint the hell out of it! The white walls give the house no depth or character. But hey, what do you do? I'm happy living here and it's one step at a time.

Toxic people are like a cancer

Stop and think of people that are in your life or associated with your life that are toxic. These are the people that do not care for you enough to express their concerns (whether good or bad) to your face, who love you when they need something, who are sometimes there but mostly not, who you keep holding out for thinking that they will change and live up to the minimal expectations that you have of someone that you care about..but they never do. These people tend to be envious of others (which according the Buddha is one of the cardinal sins:) . They are insecure in some ways) and start projecting their toxicity into your life and causing what I like to say "brain damage." At first these people can be difficult to get rid of. Mainly because they are someone who you truly love. You keep hoping that they will do the right thing, that they will some how realize how much you care and love them, and hope that they will give that back to you in return. This hope causes disappointment(which in my opinion is one of the worst feelings) and eventually you learn the hard way to get this toxic person out of your life. Another reason these type of people are hard to get rid of is because, they just don't F*CKING get it. They will keep finding ways of manipulating themselves back into your life - usually in a passive aggressive manner. They cause anger, hurt, and frustration, which all = DRAMA. Sometimes the only thing you can do to get rid of these people is pop a cap in their ass and show them who's boss ( J/K ...lol well sort of!)

One of the great things about having toxic people in your life is that when you finally grow a backbone and get rid of them, you feel amazing. It's like one of those total body cleanses (You know the ones where you don't eat for several days and instead drink a horrible substance and eventually they say you'll start seeing bugs of some sort in your dung??<-----BTW we can say that toxic people are like these bugs that come out of your dung during one of these cleanses) You re-appreciate the goodness and calmness that your life has the potential of having and you gain a new fondness of people who are pure. Instead of getting "brain damage," you grow and gain insight.

So go ahead people and do a total "life cleanse!" Besides, I heard you can lose at least 5 pounds in the process as well..what's 5 pounds less?? Sometimes a lot......

Costa Rican Make Over

I am headed to Costa Rica this evening to meet up with some of my very bestest friends. And when I say "bestest," I mean "bestest." I will be staying with a friend who I've know since Kindergarten, so a total of at least 24 years (and if we want to get technical we can say even longer then that because our families have known each other since childhood---yes we go wwaaayyy back!). This is a girl that used to share her patent leather Mary Janes with me, has cried over broken hearts with me, danced in the back of a pick up truck jamming out to the Greatful Dead, caused havoc on State Street, and many other memories that are unspeakable and that I hold close to my heart.

For the past 6 months (speaking of havoc) my life has been a whirl wind of sadness, loss, anger, lonliness, and all of those other emotions that come along with losing a parent, a boyfriend, and a bestfriend. I am one of those people who are constantly asking myself "what the hell are you doing and when are you going to get your shit together?" Currently, my home is a mess, my car is a mess, my dog stinks, and the only thing I have in my fridge are left over Chinese and several different types of Vodka to choose from. In the time of madness, I am having fun, enjoying the summer, and am meeting new people. At the end of the day, there is something nice about having a routine, having clean spaces, not feeling bloated from drinking a handle of vodka in 2 days, and feeling rested.

One reason (among the many) I am excited to go to COSTA RICA is to spend time with some people who have known me since by boy hairstyle bowl cut and buck teeth. These are the people that I can cry in front of, rip ass, get crazy with, with no judgement! They are honest, loving, understanding, and bring me back to my senses of that "it's okay Cassidy and we love you no matter what." There is a sense of security which bring peace to my soul.

Another reason I'm excited to go to COSTA RICA is the fact that I won't be accessable via cell phone or internet. Some of you who know me, know that I like to hibernate. I like to disappear for a period of time, change my phone number, and become grounded again. I feel that being away from the emotional rollercoaster and craziness that's been going on in my life, that I will have a moment of peace and a chance to look at myself from the outside in.

Another reason I am excited to go to COSTA RICA is for the adventure. I can't sit in one spot for too long and love experiencing new things, people, and culture. And who better to share that with then my bestie? I'm looking forward to the beach everyday, the rainfall, the monkies that throw shit at you, the pool off the balcony or our amazing rooms, girl talk, scoping out "brown men," food, Vodka (of course) and just taking it all in! Plus just after watching The Hills on Tuesday and seeing what a beautiful, sexy, place Costa Rica is (and totally crushing over Brody Jenner...yes I know...but I am NOT ashamed to say that not only do I watch The Hills but that I would love to have romp in the sack with him)how could I not go to this beautiful country and enjoy every single bit of it!?

I'm bouncing in my shoes waiting for the time when I head to the airport, have a few brewha's at the airport, and touch down in a different country, where I may as well be invisible for the next week!

How to keep on steppin with a broken heart...

There is something refreshing about going through a break - up. One being it gives you a little reality check that you need to get in touch with you inner self again, and that, is good for all of us from time to time. This time of heart ache is a time to reconnect with friends that got lost in the shuffle, to show yourself that you are stronger than you think, and to learn how to love just yourself again. It's a time when we feel sad, angry, and happy, all within a short time of each other. A time when we search for bliss in other things and people. It's a good reminder that at the end of the day, for most of us, YOU are all you have.

Don't get me wrong, there are times (esp. now that 30 is quickly creeping up on me)when watching a movie at home is better with someone there, and when it's nice to roll over in the morning and find company (however one night stands can be good for this too :) ), to be able to call your best/friend lover and tell them everything and probably some of the stupidest things, and knowing that you have someone to hold your hand as you both step through the minutes of future together.

I've never been able to walk away from someone or lose someone that I have truely cared for and had feelings of hate. No matter how things end, I always hold people that i have loved/love in my heart for different reasons. I strongly believe that different people come into your life for a reason and that sometimes we are given pain to show us something that we were missing.

STEPS TO GETTING OVER A BREAK UP:
VODKA
RETAIL THERAPY
VODKA
GOOD LAUGHS WITH BEAVER FRIENDS
VOKDA

5 Steps To.....

1. Free your heart from hatred
2. Free your mind from worries
3. Live simply
4. Give more
5. Expect Less

F.A.M.I.L.Y

What is family to you??? Is it that person that who created your flesh and blood? The person who stands next to you "whithin good times AND in bad?" That person that doesn't judge you, and who will pick you up when you're an emotional mess and a complete fuck up???

To me, family is like have a permanent soul mate. The person(s) who understand you when no words are being spoke, who learn to understand your facial expressions, and who feel your pain and happiness at all times. Those are the person(s) who do not judge and who understand that family is thicker than blood. We are those people who will be there for you at the end, to help you up, and help "you "burry that body that's in the back of trunk." They are forgiving, honest, harsh, and mean at times. But at the end of the day, everyones intentions are pure, honest, and loving.

Someone tell me, teach me, how to break the emotional the bond with people who are the key and who are a huge part of your every being...yet they've forgotten love, honestly, and loyelty. Someone please teach me how to to expect and how to let go...

Right now, this is how I feel. I am a crazy woman trying to stay sane. Someone please tell me how you can still love, be passionate and loyal and recieve the same back from others without feeling like you you can barely breathe......